12 Items or Less

I have the gift. You know the one — the one that guides you, without exception, to the slowest line every time you're in the store. The line where the guy is paying in change. Then line where the lady has 75 coupons she's pulling out, one by one. The line where they have an exchange so complicated it takes three managers, an abacus and a set of tarot cards to figure out the refund. See that line that's not moving? I'm in it. 


Today was the perfect example. Went to Fred Meyer to buy milk, dish detergent, some lemonade for Kate and some Immodium (don't ask). Simple. Fast, too, considering I spend enough time in this store that I know exactly where everything is. Within three minutes, I was at the check-stand ... the self-service check-stand. Normally, it's a breeze. Six terminals, no waiting. But today, ah today, I had the gift.


That said, to you, the citizens of the world, please, PLEASE do not use the self-service check-stand if any of the following apply to you:


1.  Your idea of advanced technology is Pong
2.  You are unfamiliar with any of the many languages spoken 
     at Fred Meyer
3.  You have a major fear of pushing touch-screen buttons
4.  You don't know the difference between an apple, a carrot 
     and a bottle of ketchup
5.  You have 23 plastic bags full of bulk items ... and you forgot 
     to write the codes
6.  "Now where did I leave my wallet?"


Another simple rule of thumb is this: If you have enough items for a full-blown grocery cart, you're in the wrong line. And if I'm in the store, I can guarantee you that I'll be right there with you.