Wednesday, May 5, 2010

"H" is for Hilarity, Part One

With a wife who's a night-shift RN, the stories around our dinner table are a little different than most. "How was your day" often reads more like "You will not believe what happened last night."

Case in point, the wacky, are-you-kidding-me things that come through the Emergency Room. 

I know what you're thinking. Really, you say, they never show things like that on Grey's Anatomy. True. But then again, they also never show ugly people ... or patients filling out paperwork. So much for reality.

A hospital is like a very large office building. If a story is crazy enough, sooner or later the whole place knows about it. And thus our stories today.

There's the guy who came in with a Coke bottle up his derriere. For real. And the guy who came in with a cucumber stuck in his bottom. Seriously. Not to be outdone, the gentleman who came in with an eggplant where the sun don't shine. Noticing a pattern here? The best part? All three of these naked men "tripped and fell" onto their backside impalements. 

Then there are the two people — not one, but two — who recently came through the E.R. on the same night. Separate cases. Separate stories. One, an extremely overweight woman, was in a car accident. Her oddity, you ask? She had several CDs jammed into the fatty folds in her rear-end. Seems as though shoplifting has taken an uglier-than-normal toll. During the same shift, a gang member came through the E.R. with a gunshot wound. Being extremely vigilant for good hygiene, he had an air freshener between his butt cheeks. I guess when his mama said to always wear clean undies in case you need to go to the hospital, he took it a step or two further.

But without a doubt, the story of all stories is the one of a young couple in love ... or at least lust. He had a piercing in the end of his, well, you know. And she had a piercing in her, well, you know. One thing let to another, and just like those magic rings that hook together, our pair of lovers was forever entwined. Good thing Dad came home. He knew nothing of the piercing ... or the love affair ... but he got to try his hand at getting his daughter and her paramour unhooked. No luck. So he called 911. The paramedic gave it a go, too, but to no avail. So they had to come to the Emergency Room, as is, to be cut apart. Ah, young love. If this doesn't serve as a cautionary tale for safe sex, nothing will.

And with that, I bid you adieu on the first of what will surely be an ongoing series. The folks who come through a real hospital may not be movie-star pretty, but they sure have some good stories.

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